I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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