Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
