No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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