oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She's the barista slut.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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