i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
