I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
