I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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