So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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