I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize