im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
