I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
