i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
