Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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