Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
