I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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