i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize