She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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