God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Say something about gay babies.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize