i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
