Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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