I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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