im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm too high and old for this...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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