I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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