conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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