we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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