If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
