Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
