Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
