I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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