I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
