May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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