My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
