Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
birth control should be required to get into college
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
