College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
