i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
