I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
