There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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