just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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