Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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