i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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