Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize