I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
