I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize