It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
