Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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