So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
