who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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