nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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