Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
