I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
