does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
