Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
