Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
