Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize