who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it was like eating out sand paper
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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