Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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