And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
