you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
