i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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