my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
