morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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