Will you blow on my dice?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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