it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize