My sheets look like a crime scene.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
