I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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